Yes, worse than Tarvaris Jackson and Jeff Garcia. Combined.
To those who did not watch the debacle on Sunday, count your blessings. You missed a game that would make any NFL fan who wasn't a Lions fan fold his cards and get out. First, we go down 21-0, thanks to the usual suspects: bad tackling, especially right in the teeth -- er, gums -- of the defense. As for the corners? Every time any of our corners is up against a running back in a one-on-one situation, I say a little prayer for him. God never answers. Figures.
Anyway, the Lions suddenly remember that they are professional football players and were, at one point in their lives, really good at football. They go on a tear, thanks mostly to the only player on the team worth anything, Calvin Johnson. The Lions may have lost, but he is continuing his campaign for the Best Player on the Worst Team award, which LaDanian Tomlinson monopolized for a while before the Chargers got good. We actually pull ahead, 25-24, and there's some hope! The Lions might actually make a successful comeback, and one of the more amazing ones in recent memory!
But, as those of us who cried at night about the Lions when we were 5 know, you can never hope. Especially if you want to live past 40. It's just too stressful.
The Great Jon Kitna takes his place under center. The fans are downright raucous (the best fans in the league, hands down, no argument), hoping to build on the slim lead. Then they blinked, and the Packers had scored 24 points and the game was out of reach. Again.
Jon Kitna threw three interceptions on three Lions offensive drives, all of which were returned for touchdowns, one of which was returned by the Actually Great Charles Woodson. Good for him.
Really? Are you serious? This is our quarterback? Why is he still starting? Why not pull him? Am I going to write the rest of this post in question form? Well, no. It's obvious the Lions have nothing to lose. We should hand the reigns over to Dan Orlovsky and see what he can do. I know he probably sucks, but what the hell, you know? Either that or put Drew in. For God's sake, anybody. Somebody find Elvis Grbac.
Here's my theory: the only reason Marinelli won't bench Kitna is because the coach is afraid of some sort of divine wrath. I hope by now you all have heard of Kitna's insane forcefulness with his Christianity. The man is a walking Crusader. To hear him talk, every Lions win is a miracle from God (which is half true). What about the losses, Jon? Huh?
I have been calling for Jon Kitna's head since he got here. It is obnoxious to say you are set at the quarterback position for the present and the future when you're sending out a career backup in his mid-thirties. That is the voice of someone who doesn't know anything about football. Or age.
It's time for a change. The only way to get real change, of course, is for the Fords to sell the team. Or at least for them to fire the President-Who-Shall-Not-Be-Named. But you and I both know that won't happen for a while, so at least send out a quarterback who gives the team a chance to win every week, not one who seems to actively destroy that chance, especially when we're winning. You owe it to the fans. Send Jon Kitna to where he's always belonged: a pulpit. Give me Drew Henson. Anything is better than the same boring old mediocrity. And hey, maybe a winless season is just the sort of thing this team needs in order to orchestrate some change.
I can hope, can't I?