Well, I wish I could say that I didn't have to bring this feature back. Unfortunately, Webstarr and I, despite being surrounded by a completely different cast of characters while standing on the same seats we did last week, were subjected to further aural torture (sexy!) during the Michigan/Miami game. The lowlights:
The guy standing next to me who apparently decided to be the personal Keith Jackson to everyone withing hearing distance. Except he didn't know a 4-3 defense from a pack of angry wolves (although, to be fair, our defense often resembles such). The kid did have timing however. He would call out "punt", "pass", or "run" at the exact second that it became blindingly obvious to everyone who was not stabbing themselves in the eye with a working jackhammer exactly what was unfolding. No exact quotes are needed for this one; I think we've all sat near one of these before. I coped by loudly proclaiming exactly why the kid was completely wrong to Webstarr every chance I got without actually addressing him directly. Passive-aggressive behavior happens to be a specialty of mine. Obviously.
"Morgan Trent is a fucking joke."
This is essentially akin to saying "I am a sheep who has not watched a Michigan football game with my eyes open since 2005." Morgan Trent was an All-Big Ten honorable mention last year. Not the highest of praises, I know, but the guy is about as solid as solid can be for a collegiate corner. There are literally dozens of other things you should be complaining about, even on our defense (coughSTEVIEBROWNcough). Instead, dickwad in row 56 decided to blame every completed pass on Morgan Trent, regardless of coverage or responsibility. Note to this guy:
"C'mon Threet, throw a Henne block out there, you FUCKING ASSHOLE."
Exact quote, I swear to Fielding Yost. This came during the failed double-reverse to Martavious Odoms that only gained one yard. I don't really know what this guy expected, but Threet ended up all on his own with two guys to block. I guess this guy's definition of a 'Henne block' is to morph into Jake Long while gaining the ability to stop time in order to pick off the entire other team one-by-one. Seriously, I think Threet has many, many things to work on before he gets to refining his one-on-two blocking ability. But yeah, what an asshole.
"FUCK MIAMI, THEY'RE SO FUCKING GAY."
This gem came out of one girl's mouth after pretty much every successful play for either team. Even if you ignore the offensive nature of the statement, this hurts beyond belief. They are Miami of Ohio. We are Michigan. Even during an off-year, it is not worth directing this much bile towards a MAC team. Show some class. This is coming from a kid who was thoroughly entertained every time a certain friend would make a polygamy joke at Utah fans (best of the bunch: "Personal Foul: Too Many Wives"; which came right after one of the Utes' many 15-yard flags). When your statements are deemed too vulgar and stupid for the student section, please think about replacing the idiot filter that should be located somewhere between your brain and your mouth.
Note that every one of these statements (except obnoxious play-by-play guy) contains an f-bomb or two. Is there a direct correllation between stupidity and vulgarity? Actually, don't answer that, since I curse like a sailor on game days.
I'm pretty sure I can say this now: more coming in two weeks.